I Can. Just Watch Me.

provingitnow @ 2007-04-22T21:48:00

2007-04-22T14:03:29Z

Please. Make me thin.
I dont think I can take this much longer.
I want bones!

Tomorrows Plan:

Breakfast: Instant Oats w/ 3 apricots: 200 + coffee

Morning Tea: Rice cracker le snak 30, Mini pack of jols 7 [37]

Lunch: Apple 70, Marshmallow ducks 60, 2 x rice wafers 23 [153]

Afternoon: Mini chupa chup 24 + diet coke [24]

Tea: 5 florets of brocolli 45, 1 cup of cauliflower 50, 1/2 onion 20, butter [for sauteeing] 35, garlic 5 [155]

After: Cup of non-fat Soy Milk w/ vanilla 70

total: 639

I know this isnt fantastic, but i just want it to be realistic and stick-to-able.

In the name of skinny,
Amen.

provingitnow @ 2007-04-17T20:27:00

2007-04-17T10:46:04Z

So, I'm back to lard-arse again.
Please excuse my lack of self-control,lack of will-power, lack of want
I'm trying to get myself back in touch with how much I want this.
How much I need it.
How fucking much it means to me.

It kills me that I can't seem to give up something small,
For the thing that quite honestly, means the most to me in the world.
I would rather die thin, than live fat.

Anyway, I recently returned from my interstate easter holiday, which made me quite FAT.

Cowardly as it sounds, i'm afraid to step on the scales right now.
My estimate (they're usually depressingly correct) is about 65kg (143lbs)

So, Back on the bandwagon I go.
Its not as hard as i thought.

Yesterday: 340cals
Today: 610cals

I know i can do this, it's simple maths really.
Hence, its all in my stupid head!
I'm ready for skinny,
so damn ready.

So far...

2007-03-07T04:46:48Z

Ok, well today I had the day off school, and I have eaten:

1pm: Half a piece of toast (30), 2/3 of a tomato w/garlic (15), two pieces of 97% f/f bacon (50) [95]

Grapes [30]

Planning on having a waffle cone and ice cream soon - 175
And a protein shake for dinner - 150

Planned total of: 450 calories

Wish me luck!

Hmm, in other news, today I started cleaning up my room and actually putting things IN the cupboard and drawers. This is mostly been motivated by the fact that I got a new big mirror and stuff that I want to move in there. I guess I should share my depressing stats. *takes a deep breath...*

HW: 72kg (bmi: 24)
LW: 55kg (bmi:18.3)
CW: 60kg (bmi:20)
Height: 173cm (5'8")

My short term goals are 58kg by 17/3 (my birthday)
And 57kg (at least) by 30/3 (friends birthday party)
I am becoming better at not yo-yo ing weights with binging and whatnot, so my progress can often be slow... but i know that's what will KEEP me at the eventual weight I hope to reach (around 50kg)

Sorry if I have made anyone want to throw up in disgust at my stats. They WILL get better... I promise ♥

The reasons I consider myself to be eating disordered rather than just on a diet is because
a)My GW is a BMI of 16.7, or lower. [supposedly unhealthy],
b)I try to restrict my calorie intake to a level apparently deemed "starvation" [i call it restriction...] and
c) My "dieting" consumes my life. I am always looking at recipes,CONSTANTLY working out calories, looking up calories on the internet, writing about food and nutrition, updating my food journal, worrying about food choices, worrying about social & family eating, weighing myself at least three times a day, etc...

I think when a diet or attempt to lose weight becomes what you think about for most of your day, what you think of before you sleep and what you let govern almost all of your decisions then you can safely assume that you have an eating disorder.

provingitnow @ 2007-03-06T23:18:00

2007-03-06T12:30:40Z

Yeah, This is my first entry. I'm not your typical "omgz lyk i ttly weigh 45kg && i hav 2 loose SOO much cuz lyk im REAL fat!" sort of eating-disordered person. I am in pursuit of control, and with this, for me, comes losing weight. I count calories obsessively, I track weight loss, I make excel charts, I am a nerd. I need to feel like im ruling myself. Order within disorder.

Heres what I ate today:

8am: Piece of 97% fat free bacon [25]

10.30am: 2 rice crackers (23) a meringue piece (35) - [58]

1pm: 1/2 mountain bread wrap (35), avocado (20) capsicum (10) tomato (5) fat free cream cheese spread (10) garlic (5) - [85]
8 sour worms (70) 4 chicos (30) - [100]

4.30pm: 8 Grapes [30]

6.30pm: 1/2 piece of toast (35) w/ one tomato (18) 2 mushrooms (4) capsicum (10) garlic (5), 2 pieces of 97% ff bacon (50), 2 egg whites (30) half a yolk (20), dash of milk (10) - [182]

7pm: Waffle cone (35) w/ low fat ice cream (70) - [105]
Sugar Free strawberry jelly - [9]

Total: 594 calories